Words · of · Macabre

FINALLY ! i am home again from working.....
no more  being over worked for 3 months
I am happy to say with the start of the new school year.
i am only working part time,  YES ! NO MORE OVER WORKED
oh my oh my!
my first year of college i am so excited
WHEE !
i can feel the butter flies in my stomache....


well i went to Dorney Park and Wild water kingdom with my little sister and my friend.
that drive there wasn't' so bad, only hour and a half.. but still soooo long
the drive back home
was complete suicide
CHRIST !! i was so tired..............
i was forcing myself to stay awake
i was the driver  T____T
* i am the only one with a drivers License



fall back and close my eyes
i can feel the wind blowing in my hollow body
i  old flame me  was rekindled was again
i have no heart
i have no heart
i have no heart
i have no heart
why do i secretly want in the back of my mind for you to love me?  (T__T)



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gibbersish, giberish,giberish

oh wow i haven't written in this pages for years. lol
 life is keeping me super ocupada
so i rarely have time to write stuff in this thing.
but you know what?
 i do miss writing in this page
so i guess as of today
i try to write as much as i can.
my weekend was pretty boring i went to work
then missed out on SATS  cause i was so not prepared to take them and i was feeling to bummed out.
i am going to fail in life i know it ( biggest fear)

lucky my school payed for it , good
hmm........ i haven't applied to college yet, ans i don;t have ebngh money to afford a  4 year universty especially since  right  now my momma is a single mother and all.
very hard burden.

this weekend was the blehhh.....
yet again i commit the same stupid mistake of falling for a guy, and yet again things don;t work out
damn it i really feel like i am going to end up being a sad old lonley  lady like 40 years from now hehehe
well i happy to say i officially got over my FWB (Friends with benifts) guy.
yay ! that ass hole never called me and the sex wasn't even that good
 if you called getting humped in the back of a seat of small ass car good sex.
he made it worth while i felt so naughty though
cause we fuck each other in the middle of the night.
 i have a bad side sexual side i like to let go every once and while.
hehe ......which explain why i can fuck guys and have no feelings for them
truth be told
some times a girl just wants to get fucked and does not want have to deal with the emotional part of it.
 love is for pussies its just a load of bullshit that people build up just so things can be percived all lovey dubby,
well love can suck my left titty!
yeah this asshole i tried texting him to get some fucking cock one night right and then some girl named mel ,responds to the txt mesage saying he unavailable.
i was like that mother fucker!!
i was angry but at the same time glad, that was the last mother fucking straw.  that SOB is dead to me
he can rot in hell ,die, get raped in the ass, be tortured, fucking castrated or any other kind of terrible pain ever imaginable out there.

pissed off ***T___T

anyways that piece f shit is dead to me.
fast forwarding to this weekend
i met some dude from myspace
we met up in the park my first thought was like woah, what a cutie!
any ways yeah i began talking to his guy but damn!
i m so freaking stupid and i fell for this guy.
i feel so stupid and gullibleable again like a mother fucking conituing cycle. i
 meet a  guy and  we hit it off  great
and then bam thing just go down hill from there and we end up never talking to each other ever again .
jesus why me? >_<
well yeah i took this pretty hard, i really liked the dude and stuff even though. i
  really knew him for a such a short period of time , i don;t some about him really got to me you know\ ****shakes head, and bangs it against  computer desk, *stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid**
he was really nice, had a great personality, funny, and oh gosh i dunno me and my little stupid ideas, i kind saw me and him dating and stuff being a couple but i guess that little idea is going sown the drain
yes i cried about it.  i felt so down and hopleess,
butt hen again i am a pessimist so ehhhhhhh........
welll yeah i am still recovering from it i am still sad about it but there  is  nothng i can do about it no matter how much i wish things could be different or if i could go back in time and never agreed to meet him so i wouldn't  have to deal with this crap or better yet never have reveal to him that i liked him * shakes head, tear*** WHY?
  i am doing things to keep my mind of like reading this i took out from the library that in french, yes peoplei can read french i studied french for 3 years in high school and i actually paid attention int he class, LOL
 i am going to surf some sites where i can practice my japanese also.
i so need to practice i just know how to say a few phrases but i can underrstand quite a good amount.
ps if anyone who is reading this is portuguese or can speak portuguese .would you mind being my penpal ?
i rellay really need to practice my portuguese, i can speak it pretty well buti want to expand my vocabulary.

****se fosse possível eu gostaria de escrever, somente no português.*** ^_____^

i started a new diet this time i am commiting  to it i lost 5 pounds in  1 week. my height is 5 feet and 7 inches and my old weight was 152 pounds. i am now 147 pounds. YAY!  little steps i take to get to my goal weight which is 115-  130 pounds.
i a, starving mtself most of the time, i drink alot of water, i eat no junk food or sweets, and if i do eat, very little like today for break fast i had a no sugar tea, with a granola bar. i did not t eat lunch , i waited till i got out of school and i ate half a  fruit salad and some hot choclate. like around 7 pm when i got home from volunteering at the hospital i made pasta. i ate a tiny portion of pasta with boiled bananas.
yeah, i am a vegeterian. hehe
expalins why the foods i mentioned have no meat in them.

like around my bed time i take these pills  that burn that fat off.
oh my god ! now that i think i about it ate so much food today
god i am such a lard ass.
i would be bulemic but no way  am i sticking something in my mouth to get myself to throw up.
i wish i could buy laxatives so i could  the rid of all the disgusting food that i ate today.
i am going to go now i am now
i going to finish these short essays that i have to for a class
work on my college essays and maybe get some sleep.
my insomnia is starting up again and i just don't wanna sleep anymore.
bye bye
thank you for reading
Momo~

*THIS IS A STORY!! IT DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO ME. I JUST HAVE A FUCKED UP IMAGINATION ^_^

Daddy used to touch me. Daddy used to kiss me. i love my daddy very much but he did things that normal daddies wouldn't do.
Every night since i was young daddy used to always come into my room. i was sleeping and holding on to teddy. He opened the door and quietly tipped toed across my room. i opened my eyes to see who it was and there was daddy right by my side.
he said to me shh!! just go back to sleep and i did like all little girls do.
As i was going to sleep i felt daddy's hand inside my shirt at first he was rubbing my tummy, which felt really good, I told him .
daddy, I don 't have a tummy-ache.
he just covered my eyes and told me to go back to sleep. Then his hand started to move towards my pants,
I whimpered daddy don't
please don't and he just looked at me and smiled.
He leaned towards me and gave me a kiss on the lips. i was was in shock.
Is the way daddies are suppose to act with their daughters ?
AS he kissed me he slowly began to move his hands into my pants.
I whimpered daddy NO, Daddy No.
but he just smiled. i looked up at him and in his eyes.
I saw , his eyes burn with a passion he had this look on his face as if he was releasing something like a flame that was always lighten could now ignited with a burning fire.
I cried, Why daddy why? i asked him why? don't you love mommy? he answered i do , but i love you even more stephanie.

i looked down i was so ashamed of what had just happened.
it wasn't until a couple of years later that i realized what my daddy did to me.

After daddy was daddy was finished, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and patted my head, smile and said to me thank you for being such a good girl.
i looked down in disgust. Ever since then a hatred was lit inside of me. I hated my daddy my passion
Yet i never had the courage to tell anyone about it.
Then when i was 17 my daddy died of a heart attack.
i went to his funeral. though i cried some part of me didn't want daddy to die. I wanted daddy to be next to be so he can love me.

6 months passed and i began to date this boy named brian, i loved him with all my heart and he was my first boyfriend. We were very close BUt i never told him about what happened between me and daddy.
I thought that if i told him i wold be dirty and he wouldn't love me anymore.

one night me and Brian were in his room. We were laying on his bed , and he just was stroking my hair and kissing my forehead.
he kept whispering to me how much he loved me and that he wanted to make love to me tonight,
He felt that he wanted us to have a physical and spiritual connection.
So i nodded and said yes.

he began to kiss me slowly stroking my warm, tender,fragile body. He stroked my face and kissed my neck.
i wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him bringing his body closer to mine. I could feel the heat of our bodies circulating between us.
Brian moved his hand under my shirt and grasped my breasts, i blushed and whimpered. he looked up at me and chuckled.
HE continued to kiss me as his hands were slowly drifting away from my chest and heading towards my stomach,then into my skirt.
His fingers slowly began to finger my tender pussy.

I could feel him inside if me, out of excitement i cumed and my juices were dripping down my inner thighs. THis excited him, he removed my panties and began to lick my juices. NO i said in faint whisper.
HE just smiled and said relax.
He crawled up onto me and began to unzip his pants i could feel him taking out his member, It was up and pumping with excitement as i felt it drip its juices on my wet pussy. he took a hold of it and began to insert it inside of me.
No, daddy. i whispered.
what did you say ? brain asked?

I looked into his eyes and saw the image of my father.
come here i told him
as he leaned towards me my hand was under the pillow. he was inclined towards me and i whispered to his ear I LOVE YOU.

As i whispered these lovely but oh so deadly words to him .

i pulled out my knife and i stabbed him in the back.
I stabbed him 17 times.
17 times for all the years that my daddy loved me as i pushed away the dead body from the bed.
i saw the blood on my hands, sheets, pretty much every.
Brain was dead on the floor,with eyes wide open. Oh but i faint whisper, came out of his mouth ,
Why?

i kneel-ed down to him and said

BECAUSE NO ONE REPLACES MY DADDY..........

THE END

I love you, There I said these 3 words that are so hard for me to say. What is wrong with me I can't stop thinking about you. You're always on my mind. Though I told myself to stop, stop loving you
because I know that it's a love that can never happen. I was once with you but that is no more.My stay with you was short but I fell in love with you. You're on my mind always, my heart bleeds knowing that you will never know how i feel, I wish I could tell you. But, iF these words , you knew everything would be destroyed.For I know that your love I will never know. For I know to be with you, will never be.This love that i wish could be. This is the first time that I have ever fallen in love with some one.I love you, I want you to know that your the only one for me, my only one.
How can you love me?
If you don't know that i exist............................

DEATH***** IZEKIEL**** MACABRE******

i haven't updated in a while because i am a lazy ass. i can't help it, i do have a life you know even if it is semi and useless.
weekend was boring uhh i met this guy from my school he seems kool and we hung out on sunday. that was fun we walked 3 cities over. oh yeah can you feel the burn. school was boring as usual finals are coming up so i am preparing for that. today was boring and vague except that it was hot as balls
god damn it i hate the sun with a fury burnn in helll all the sunny days to come!!!!
why can't everyday day be pitch black with the full moon out and a kool breeze.
sigh
one can dream ,right?
and you take your daily stroll under the moon light while walking in the graveyard while holding your lovers hand?
sigh
damn it its only a dream
too bad my life couldn't be like that
in love with the one for me
the one that understands me, makes me happy the only one for me..........
are you the one for me??

death & Macabre

Death contemplates me as i walk around in a soules body ina world that has no meaning. Searching for the greater evilthat will fill my void. Desending into the bottomless pit of darkness is where i live and suffer my griefs. Leaving this world a deranged soul will be my greatest accomplishment. Leaving this crappy world and its god damn social moralities. I want the demon inside to be released no longer will the greater evil be dormant . It will rise and posses my souless bodythat has no meaning in life. Its only purpose is to die and decompose just like every piece of crap in this world. Life has no meaning but just ro serve ouronly purpose and die. In this world I am slowly feeling the evil gooing through my veins eating every drop of my life source and destroying my body with the marks of its presence.

dEATH & maCABRE

Pain is nothing to me, it makes me stronger. I need it to survive this hell that I live. All the words mean nothing to me Evil shall consume me I no longerwill have a heart. Darkness fills my void. Empty and cold... just the way it should be. But now i know he is back!!'
And everything is drifting away!!!
He makes me know and remeber......
That i am always alone.....

Death& Macabre